


crystal clear on a starlit night

by sugdensrobert



Series: imagine a world like that [3]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, January 2017, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:28:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24686899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugdensrobert/pseuds/sugdensrobert
Summary: after their fight and lots of thinking, aaron goes to find robert.or, aaron doesn't beat up kasim that night in january.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Series: imagine a world like that [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1675510
Comments: 6
Kudos: 64





	crystal clear on a starlit night

**Author's Note:**

> title from black and white by niall horan.  
> i hope you enjoy <3

He hears the shouting, recognizes Finn’s voice. He feels angry and lost and then he’s thinking about what Finn told him- how Kasim’s dad doesn’t accept the fact his son’s gay- and it makes him even angrier. He’s about to get up and march over to where the voices are coming from when he stops himself. He thinks about why he is angry, he thinks about this morning when he was so happy- Robert calling him bridezilla, picking up their suits, being excited about getting _married._

He’s hardly seen Robert today, only this morning when things were still good and then again later when everything started falling apart.

He looks around, watching his breath in the cold air and listening to the still shouting voices. He doesn’t want to drink anymore, the alcohol still burning his throat. Vic’s left him and he thinks about what she said-

_“You could always accept him for who he is.”_

Vic’s right, he doesn’t want Mr. average- all he wants is Robert. But he can’t believe Robert wants him, he just can’t and that’s the problem. Not when the older man could have anyone he wanted-when Rebecca is right there. He believes Robert- he knows he was only at Home Farm for a meeting, he believes Robert thinks he wants Aaron- he believes-

He sighs- knows that if anything, he is pushing Robert exactly to where he’s already at in Aaron’s head.

There are tears on his face and he wipes them away, his fingers numb from the cold. He looks at the ring, thinks about Robert’s ring in the back room of the pub. Robert risked his life for those rings.

Is Robert still at the pub? Where else would he go, Vic’s?

_“You could always accept him for who he is.”_

_“You could always accept him for who he is.”_

It won’t stop echoing in Aaron’s head.

 _“I don’t know who he is Vic, that’s the problem.”_ But he does know doesn’t he? He _knows_ Robert. He knows Robert is not Mr. average, that he is a flirt, that he is somebody who attracts attention- he knows all that. He once told Robert he thinks he is the only one who truly knows him, more than two years ago- and it’s even more true now. He knows him better than Vic does- because he knows about-

He gulps. His head feels woozy from the drink but there is also a sense of clarity there when he really thinks about what he’s said to Robert.

Yes, his fiancé might not be completely comfortable with liking men yet but he knows all about that doesn’t he? Aaron thinks about how not being entirely comfortable about something and not accepting it, are two different things. Robert accepts that part of himself, he does and Aaron knows that. They are together, live together, they are about to get married. Robert has proven his love for Aaron over and over again.

Aaron knows him best out of everybody because he knows about Jack- he _knows._

_“I want to be myself now, with you.”_

God, Aaron feels sick.

Aaron doesn’t understand it- he doesn’t. He likes men and that is that. But Robert, Robert likes both and he told Aaron. And he got to tell Aaron that on his own terms in his own time, well sort of anyway.

What Robert shouted at Aaron back at Home Farm wasn’t right and Aaron knows that- he also knows that it comes from something buried deep within Robert, something that he’s only just started to sort though. But even though Aaron doesn’t quite get it- he knows that what he’s shouted at Robert isn’t right either.

_“If we hadn’t been through this a thousand times.”_

_“I can’t make you happy mate, I mean literally I can’t do it.”_

This sick feeling doesn’t die down, it just gets worse.

Even though he is upset, angry and drunk- he knows he’s hurt Robert too, just like Robert has hurt him.

Robert told him something months ago, something so important and personal. Something that was buried deep beneath the surface and Aaron had just dismissed all of that in one day, or multiple days really- his jealousy having reared its ugly head in the past month. He can’t really think of another reason for this other than fear. Fear of losing Robert. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of Robert realising he can have anyone he wants.

Not for the first time that evening Aaron realises that his reaction to these fears will most likely be the cause of these fears coming true- if he carries on like this.

_“You’re scared of being happy.”_

Maybe just maybe Robert wasn’t wrong when he said that.

 _“If we hadn’t been through this a thousand times.”_ Aaron remembers the way Robert’s voice broke at this. His heart aches.

He wants to curl up in a ball and forget the world for a bit but that isn’t going to help anyone. He wants Robert, more than anything. And he has him- he knows that. They just need to sort stuff out, _get the basics right._ Aaron does trust Robert but his brain lets him think he shouldn’t. Because he can’t imagine that anyone would want him, let alone someone like Robert.

They need to sort stuff out. Maybe they need to go through it all just one more time.

He touches his face- also numb from the cold and feels how his tears have dried up, making his skin feel tight.

He needs to find Robert.

“Vic, where is he? Is he at yours?”

Aaron ignores the way Kerry is staring at him.

“What?” Vic says, looking him up and down clearly concerned.

“I thought he might still be here, but he’s not. He isn’t upstairs either.”

“Yeah uh-“ she hesitates before reaching into her pocket and handing him over her keys. “You’re not going to fight again are ya?”

“No I just want to talk to him. We need to talk.” She nods and Aaron takes her keys.

“I know you’re upset and I know he shouldn’t have lied but Aaron- he seemed really upset, defeated almost.” Aaron feels his heart sink even though it’s not news to him. He had seen it himself. Maybe that was what had shocked him the most. His usual determined, optimistic, strong fiancé giving up, accepting defeat.

_“What’s the point”_

_“There isn’t one.”_

There is and Aaron is going to show him. He’s not giving up on them, he can’t. Not after everything they have been through, not after all those months of Robert being there for him, waiting for him. Not after Robert proving his commitment and love for him.

“Thanks Vic- honest” Aaron says realising how much he loves and appreciates her. It can’t be easy for her to deal with idiots like him and Robert. The way she is able to be there for the both of them without picking a side, it’s admirable.

He runs to the backroom, grabs Robert’s ring and heads out.

Keepers Cottage is in total darkness as Aaron slips inside and heads upstairs almost straight away. He glances at Victoria’s couch but he can’t make out a figure so he supposes Robert has gone to his old room. The room where he shouldn’t have to be anymore. He knocks and waits a second before he opens the door.

“Rob? It’s me.” His voice is just above a whisper as he takes in the room, it’s also in total darkness but he can clearly see a figure laying on the bed, a bag next to it.

“Aaron?” Robert says and Aaron nods before realising he should probably turn on the lights.

“Left” Robert says clearly getting what Aaron’s looking for.

Robert blinks against the light and Aaron takes him in. He looks small and when Robert stares back at him he can see that Robert’s eyes are red. Aaron’s heart lurches.

“What are you doing here Aaron?”

“I came to talk to you- I think we need to don’t you?”

Robert looks doubtful but gives him a vague nod.

“Talk- no yelling” Aaron adds.

He looks at the bag on Robert’s bed and feels the older man watching him.

“I didn’t want to leave- I don’t want to leave, or take my ring off. I just didn’t know what else to do anymore.”

“I know” Aaron finally moves from his spot and goes to sit on the bed. Robert manoeuvres a bit so that they are sitting next to each other, not quite touching but they’re close enough.

“I’m sorry” they both say it and look at each other in confusion before they’re grinning, it breaks the tension and Aaron grabs Robert’s hand.

He can’t look at Robert so he just stares at his hand, strokes a thumb over his knuckles and starts talking.

“Robert I don’t ever want you to feel like I don’t accept you. And I know that that is exactly what I’ve done. I know you- I really know you and I just want you. I don’t want us to break up, I want us to get married and be happy.”

“You don’t trust me.”

“I know it doesn’t seem that way but I do. It’s just hard to believe you want me and yeah that makes me do things that will push ya away in a way that almost makes me able to justify all these thoughts. But it’s my brain- telling me that this can’t be real. That I can’t be enough for ya.”

Robert gulps, hesitating “what about- counselling?”

Aaron nods and sees relief flash across Robert’s face, he squeezes his hand. He’s not mad at Robert for bringing it up, knows it will help.

“I am thinking of going again yeah. Because we deserve to be happy don’t we? After everything.”

Robert nods, thinking of what Vic said. “After everything- we can’t just give up. I am sorry that I nearly did. I didn’t mean to it was just the only thing I could think of.”

“Because I pushed you away.”

“I want you, just you, only you.”

“I know that- and one day I will fully believe that, and I am going to work towards that yeah?”

“I will do it with you- if you want me to, whatever you need Aaron.”

Tears are pooling in Aaron’s eyes. He loves Robert, so much. His fiancé once again proving his love for him.

“Robert?”

“Yeah?”

“I am so sorry for the things I said. It makes me feel sick thinking that I made you feel- unaccepted, after everything you’ve told me.”

Robert looks alarmed and Aaron clarifies “about you being bisexual. I can’t say I understand it completely but I know I shouldn’t have said the things I did. I know everyone can cheat. I do think all of that paranoia comes from the fact that I just can’t believe you’re with me but I know I made it about your sexuality and that was wrong. I accept you and love you for who you are. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” His voice breaks and he’s not sure what’s making him this upset, it’s probably a combination of things. He’s tired, still drunk and he knows he’s hurt Robert.

“I- it’s okay.” Robert says, clearly lost for words.

“It’s not. It’s really not.”

“I know things would be easier if I was like you but-“

“No” Aaron’s horrified and this sick feeling is back in full force.

“Please don’t say that- don’t ever say that. This is on me Robert. You are you and I love you ok? You’re more than good enough.” It’s hard to explain, Aaron feeling the things he does because he doesn’t feel like he’s good enough but Robert, Robert is good enough. Aaron knows that wholeheartedly.

Robert nods, bewildered.

Aaron wipes at his face and tries not to think about Jack and what he did to Robert, how he made him feel. “Do you forgive me?”

“For what?”

Aaron would probably laugh if it wasn’t all so devastating.

“For what I said.”

“Of course I do.”

Aaron nods and after a few seconds of silence Robert starts to shift, looking uncomfortable and Aaron knows there’s something he wants to say.

“Go on.” They are still holding hands and Aaron squeezes his fiancé’s once again.

“I am always going to find other people attractive- men and women, I can’t help that. I am bisexual. But I won’t act on it because I want you. Just like you will be attracted to other men, but won’t act on it, hopefully.”

Aaron smiles a little, “of course not. And I know, I’m sorry. I am going to try and be better about it all.” They’ve had this conversation before. He hates how deep down he holds these stereotypes because Robert is right- there is no difference. Aaron will be attracted to other people, he has eyes after all and so will Robert but they are together. That’s all there is to it, no matter who they fancy.

“And I am sorry too.” Robert continues. “I should have told you about my meeting with Rebecca- I am sorry that I didn’t.”

Aaron nods, he feels tired- just wants to sleep in Robert’s arms.

“Aaron?”

“Hm?”

“Everything I do- it’s for us. It’s for our future. I want us forever.”

Aaron untangles their hands but only to cup Robert’s face.

“I know- I know that. I see it every day.”

Robert smiles brightly before he’s frowning again- Aaron doesn’t want that. But before he can say anything Robert opens his mouth again.

“I should have never taken it off, the ring I-“

“I have it here” Aaron says quickly. He takes Robert’s hand and slides it back on.

“I was being stupid-“

“We both were. You risked your life getting these back- scrap that. You risked your life to save mine. I know you love me I do.”

“I really do.”

Aaron yawns and Robert smiles at him, a soft expression on his face.

“What do we do now?” Robert says after a few more minutes of silence.

“We go to Las Vegas?” Aaron suggests, watching Robert’s reaction.

“But-“

“Robert it was your birthday present to me. Your wonderful and thoughtful present. I don’t want to ruin that.” Aaron doesn’t think he will ever be over the guilt he feels over ruining Robert’s present all because he felt paranoid again and accepted that Robert was up to no good seconds after Chas showed him that video. Robert didn’t deserve that.

“Okay- I want that too, but are you sure? What about the wedding?”

Aaron sighs. “I am sure. I want to be with you, I think getting away from here for a bit could do us both good. But maybe we should postpone our wedding plans?”

Robert nods “I thinks so too.”

“Yeah? I want to get married to you Robert, as soon as possible. But I’d like to do so when I’ve sorted things out in my head.”

“And I want that too, for both of us. I promise I’ll give you the best day- whenever, wherever.”

“I don’t doubt that for one second.”

They’re staring at each other, eyes soft when Aaron has to stifle another yawn. Robert laughs “how about we just sleep?”

“Here?”

Robert shrugs “why not?”

“You’re exhausted and I want to be near you. It doesn’t matter whether we go back to the pub or stay here. We wouldn’t be doing any packing anyway. We have time to sort out our luggage tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Aaron says, Robert’s right he is exhausted.

“I’ve had a drink-“

“Or five-“ Robert fills in.

“Yeah, something like that.”

Robert drops his bag on the floor before going to lie down on the bed. It’s clear they are not going to bother with clothes or anything, Aaron doesn’t mind. He takes off his shoes and jacket and drops it on the floor before moving up close to Robert. His fiancé wraps his arms around him and Aaron sighs at the familiarity of it all. He’s so happy to have ended up like this, can’t bear the thought of how this evening could have ended- with them broken up, separated.

Aaron vows to himself that he will always fight for them. He’s proud of himself. He’s used to Robert fighting for them and deep down he knows that Robert will have come to him again even if he’d seemed defeated. But this time Aaron got there first, realised just how much they were worth fighting for.

“Goodnight, fiancé” he hears Robert whisper and Aaron loves him.

“Goodnight Rob.”


End file.
